Notes from a day offline

Thursday, October 30, 2009

[These start without a timestamp -- I started keeping track of that later]

I left home this morning without my cell phone – possibly an effect of the stress this is causing, since I never forget that. Keys, maybe. Wallet – yesterday. Cell phone, never.

I didn’t realize forgetting the cell was a good move until I went back and picked it up, and suddenly the internet is everywhere I am.

I’m realizing it’s a reflex. My finger wants to click on the blue e, and it’s without thinking.  [I have internet explorer on windows mobile, hence the blue e]

I’m doing a lot of thinking. I walk, and I can't read CNN. So I think. A lot of that thinking is about all of the things I’ll be doing online tomorrow:

At 10:37 I caved and went online for about 5 minutes – truly not more than that. I had to download a few things and reply to professional email. It’s not about compromising my career at this point. One day offline wouldn’t make a difference to me. But it would hurt other people’s days.

Sister, on the phone: I really don’t think you should do this.
Me: Why?
Sister: It’s ridiculous!

So at 1137 I’m going stir crazy.

11:44 I just want to check check check.

11:46 this suck sucks sucks

11:47 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

12:23 I just got off the phone with AY, which I’d been looking forward to for a few days. Now I’m feeling the fizz, the pffft, of deflation. That is over. That was quick. Too quick! I barely got a chance to catch up with her. But it was also great to hear her voice, after how many months? Now what. What else do I have to look forward to today?

12:25  I've been awake for 5 and a half hours and already the day seems very long to me. Yet I realize I have another 12 hours to go.

12:26 I wonder if I should tweet these tomorrow in 24-delayed real time, or just lump them together into a blog post.

12:43 I just bumped into JoR, who asked me if I’m actually doing this. I said yes, but confessed I went online for five minutes to send a work-related email. She nodded supportively. She said she saw my tweets yesterday and was curious if I’d make it. That kicked off a nice chat about a twitter widget she recently discovered, which I might like. Not only might I like it, I’m sure I would. That was a very satisfying talk. As satisfying as it is for someone on a carrot juice purge to talk about the new Magnolia bakery opening outside her apartment or someone in AA to hear about about the sale on jose cuervo at Happy-Go-Liquor. No, that’s not an actual liquor store, but shouldn’t it be?

12:54 I want to check

12:55 Am I really about to play minesweeper?

1:04 that was oddly thrilling.

1:17 I replied to an email. I just feel that if someone emails me and I don’t reply, that’s like not waving back or not smiling back when someone greets you. It’s just rude.

1:18 I think I need to revise that stance. I’ve been online 3 times today, for a total of 7 minutes. It’s way less than 9 hours, and I’m cutting out a lot of the time wasting activities that normally make up my day, opting for the far more efficient alternative called minesweeper. But I still caved not once, but three times. If I’m going to really quit the internet for a long, long time, I’ll need to be prepared to appear rude or callous.

1:20: next time around I will set up an auto reply: "I am away from my email this year. Please call or text if it’s urgent. Otherwise, I’ll receive your message next year."

1:24 I think I need a diversion. Something to help me forget.

1:51 there’s no way I could quit cold turkey. Every single atom in my body is counting down to midnight. If actually quit for the long haul, I don’t think I’d make it for more than 18 hours. I think I should start by staying offline one day per week, then adding weekends to that.

[From that point onward, the entries stop. Because --  wait for it, wait for it, waaaaait for it -- I calm down, I start working, and I eventually get drunk. See the previous entry for the conclusion.]