Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Twisted logic or logically twisted?

Two more thoughts. (As much a function of a slow day as of my growing fascination with this prospect. And, perhaps, the clearest evidence of how hooked I am to this machine. Either that is, or maybe the photo AR took of me this morning, clutching the cell phone in my right hand while I was sleeping. "This will be perfect for your blog!" he chimed. I had just hit the phone's snooze button, ok?? That picture makes me look way more sick than I really am.)

One. I think this would actually motivate me to finish my dissertation faster, as much as getting a job would. First, because there is no way I could research without the net. And I'm not about to add a year to the timeline, after 8 years of patient drudgery. No way no how. Second, giving up the internet would be a change of the same magnitude as starting a new job. Perhaps greater. It would be [drumroll please] an incentive. Which means that maybe the way to play this is to keep plugging away at the diss, apply for jobs, and if I get something great, go for it. But if the economy frowns at me, then when grad school and job search are behind me, I'll smile back. And disconnect.

Two. On the other hand (And I am very much an "other hand" kind of person. I hold long arguments with myself, out loud. There are witnesses.) I keep thinking about how illogical this whole thing is. Why would I ever do such a thing? Am I just enamored by the idea of it, but actually setting myself up for a wipeout? Does it make sense to do this? Maybe I'll resolve to do it, blog about the preparation for months and then fall spectacularly on my face after the first spurt of enthusiasm. Not because I caved like a bulemic at In-n-Out, like a ruffle fiend at Anthropologie, like a recovering reader at the Strand. But because the goal simply fizzled. In a day or week or month after I started, after all this ado, I will simply realize it's not worth it. Not worth the lost time, effort, access, convenience, piece of mind. I'll turn on my computer and check my email as if none of this had ever transpired.

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